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Mourning
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"My husband has been gone two years now, but I still feel
lost sometimes. Some of my friends think it’s time
I get over it. I don’t know that you ever ‘get
over it.’ I think it just changes."
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After the death of someone special,
it is common to experience a wide range of feelings, to have
disconcerting thoughts, and to behave in ways that are different
from usual. The period of mourning can be short or long. Each
individual grieves in his or her own way—there is no "right
way" to grieve. Some people are struck very deeply by
the death of a loved one, and others seem to bounce back fairly
readily. The length or intensity of your mourning does not
reflect the depth of your love for the person who died. It
is simply a reflection of how you as an individual process
loss. Sometimes it helps to know that grief manifests in many
different forms. Following are some examples. |
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Head-based vs. heart-based grieving
When many of us picture grief,
we think of a person wailing uncontrollably. Strong emotions,
loud noises, and even thrashing bodies come to mind. Although
this behavior, which we could call "heart-based grieving,"
may be some people’s natural inclination, others may work
through equally strong emotions in a much quieter way. In head-based
grieving, people may avoid talking and instead turn to seemingly
unrelated physical activities. They may feel compelled to do
something productive either to commemorate the person who has
died or simply to channel the energy of their emotions. Sometimes
their response is to go running or do something very physical.
These more private grievers are not grieving any less; they
simply process their losses more with the mind and body.
In classic gender stereotyping,
women tend to express their feelings of loss in a heart-based
manner, and men are apt to be more head-based. As a society,
we tend to favor the heart-based approach. Many a man has been
sent to a therapist by his wife because she didn’t think
he was grieving correctly! Yet, people who cross over a gender
stereotype too much can become socially suspect. In some circles,
a man who expresses his grief with strong emotions may be ostracized
for showing too many feelings. A woman who leans more to the
head-based approach may receive meager support. In fact, she
is likely to be labeled cold and uncaring, a difficult burden
to carry in addition to the grief she is processing.
Research has shown that both heart-based
and head-based approaches are very effective ways to process
the emotions of loss. Grieving is very personal. It is best to respect the approach
that feels most natural to you and allow others in your family to work through
their feelings in their own ways.
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Physical reactions to grief
Insomnia, loss of appetite, headaches,
menstrual irregularities, tightness in the chest, and exhaustion
are some of the ways the physical body grieves. Although these may be natural
responses, it is important to be checked by a doctor just in case other causes
are at work. Be sure to let the doctor know that you are coping with a recent
death. If you have been giving care to an ailing person for a long time,
you may well have neglected your own health for months or even
years. A physical exam will help confirm your basic health and reestablish a
stable order.
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A wide range of emotions
In addition to expressing grief
in physical ways, people also grieve by feeling and expressing
many emotions, even some that are conflicting. Sadness is an emotion that comes
immediately to mind, but anger is also common. People may feel angry at God,
at the doctors, and at the person for dying. These feelings may not seem rational,
but emotions by their very nature are not rational. All emotions are normal
and to be expected.
It is also common to feel relief
after a loved one dies, and then to feel guilty. If the person
has suffered, it’s easy to feel relieved that he or she
is no longer in pain. But feeling relief for yourself is perfectly
natural as well. Whether you have been a primary caregiver or
not, a terminal illness is likely to have disrupted your life
and may have caused tension as you juggled and rescheduled your
ongoing responsibilities. Or, you may inherit money from the
deceased, which can help relieve stress and result in an easier
lifestyle for you. It’s not your fault that you benefited
from the death.
And then there is guilt. Many
family members are left wondering if the right medical decisions
were made. Others may feel distressed about unspoken words or unfinished conflicts
with the deceased that cannot be repaired. You may find yourself haunted by thoughts
that you were not the spouse, child, parent, or sibling you wish you had been.
Or you may simply feel guilty because you are living and the one you cared about
died.
Sometimes it helps to write a
letter to the person who died. Many people find great solace
in talking with others who are also mourning a loss. Hospitals frequently offer
bereavement support groups, usually free of charge. These groups offer a safe
place where people in mourning can discuss their feelings with an individual
trained in grief resolution. You might also find a support group helpful. There,
members share a wide variety of tips that have helped them cope with the more
difficult aspects of bereavement.
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Confused and unsettled thinking
The period of mourning is a time
when our thinking processes are interrupted. People who are
grieving often find themselves unable to concentrate for long periods of time.
They may go into a room and forget why they went there, or they feel generally
disoriented and confused. These behaviors are a normal part of the process and
not something that is likely to continue at the same intensity for months
on end. Still, it is unsettling while it is happening.
Another change in our thinking
is the tendency to idealize the deceased. Whenever we lose
something, it is natural to become more acutely aware of all the positives
we miss. Indeed, the good side of a person may be the essence
of who they were. Still, it is good to keep a perspective if you can, as other
family members may be struggling with feelings of anger, resentment, or unresolved
issues. Making your loved one into a saint may not be the healthiest way for
the family to come to terms with his or her passing.
It is not uncommon to spend a
lot of time thinking about the person who has died. He or she
probably touched your life in many ways, and if you had a close
daily interaction, there will be daily reminders of this hole
in your life. A smell, a scarf, a strain of music—the
smallest things may touch off memories and feelings. Many people
report feeling that their loved one is present from time to
time. Do not be concerned that you are mentally ill if you
have these perceptions. These experiences can be uncomfortable
to acknowledge, but they are extremely common.
Following the death of someone
we care about, we begin to ask questions we do not usually consider.
"Why is there suffering? What’s the point of living
if we simply die? What was the meaning of my loved one’s
life? What is the meaning of my own life?" To reflect
on these existential concerns is a universal reaction to death.
Many see it as a gift of the person who died. It becomes an
opportunity to reevaluate priorities and ensure that we are
living in a way that is meaningful to us. Those with a spiritual
practice may find comfort talking with clergy, praying for
guidance, or meditating to discover or rediscover inner wisdom.
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The "tasks of grieving"
Just as there is no right way
to grieve, there is no set timetable for grieving. The process
varies with each individual. The feelings often come in waves,
and as time goes on, the lows will be less frequent and usually
less intense. Holidays and anniversaries are likely to be difficult,
especially during the first year when you relive the seasons
without your loved one. The anniversary of the diagnosis and
the anniversary of the death will also be vulnerable moments.
Activities that signal closure such as giving away your loved
one’s clothes or selling a house are likely to trigger
feelings of grief. Be gentle with yourself and acknowledge
that you may have times when you are especially tender.
Most people notice that during
the first week or so after the death they are so caught up in
handling logistics that they don’t have time to feel sad.
Perhaps it is a blessing of nature that we are a bit numb at
the beginning. Then too, if relatives are gathering and you
are receiving an outpouring of social support, the realities
of your loss will not be as evident. A funeral or other ceremony
will help bring closure, but it also marks the return to daily
life and the beginning of the work of grieving.
Accepting the death of your
loved one. This is the first task in the grieving process.
It is something of an intellectual exercise, although ceremonies
such as a funeral can help spiritually and emotionally confirm
that the person is gone. Talking a lot about the person helps
ease the pain and process the death.
Learning to cope with your
emotions. As mentioned earlier, some people are outwardly
expressive. Others process their feelings more privately, less
with words than with thoughts or deeds. If your feelings seem
overpowering, you might find it helpful to talk with a counselor
or clergy member. Sometimes, expressing your feelings to other
grieving family members is too much for them to handle. Someone
who is more objective can be a better listener. Plus, you don’t
have to worry about affecting their feelings. Support groups
also provide a safe place to express your emotions. People in
these groups know what you are going through, but they don’t
have ties to your loved one, so they are able to offer perspective,
good listening, and valuable tips.
Adjusting to life without the
person who died. This task can take years, especially if
the person was a significant part of your daily life. He or
she fulfilled roles in the family: breadwinner, nurturer, source
of wisdom, source of laughter, cook, gardener, car mechanic,
bill payer, for example. You will probably take on some of
those roles yourself, and others may require outside help.
These changes may alter your sense of yourself and your relationships
with other people. Start the process with small steps. Prioritize
what you need help with immediately and let the less-important
things slide for a while. If at all possible, avoid making
significant or permanent life-changing decisions for at least
six months. You’ve already gone through one enormous change—give
yourself time to see how things settle and determine what your
needs really are.
If the adjustment is difficult,
try keeping a diary of your day or even a simple descriptive
list. Look for patterns to your distress. Does it tend to surface at a particular
time of day (for example, at dinner)? Do certain events trigger it? What tends
to help? What have you done in the past, during other periods of stress, that
has been constructive? What responses do you wish to avoid this time (for example,
increased eating, substance use, yelling)? Keeping a diary and being mindful
of your productive and unproductive tendencies will help you adjust to life without
your loved one.
Finding ways to remember the
deceased. Rituals such as a funeral can help with this
task. You may also decide to choose a corner of a room or the
mantle as a place for photographs and cherished items such
as eyeglasses, knitting needles, a wedding ring, or a memento
from a fun time you had together. Some people establish a memorial
fund that honors the deceased and benefits the community in
some way. One man continued his wife’s tradition of planting
a tomato garden each year. Celebrating our loved ones not only
acknowledges their legacy, but gives us a way to remember them
while we also move on.
Creating a new identity.
This is the ultimate task. You are a different individual now
because of your loved one’s death—you cannot go back
entirely to who you used to be. Focus on investing in life
and in your own future. This does not mean you are disloyal or that
you should forget the dead. It simply means that you seek a
way to keep them in your heart while you continue to live and flourish. In the
process you choose what to bring forward and what to leave behind. The experience
can be liberating at the same time that it is scary. In the end, you remain among
the living, for it is not yet your time to die.
If you feel uncomfortable about
creating a new identity, you may wish to become involved with
organizations that draw upon your experience with the process
of illness and death. For instance, many parents whose children
have died are drawn to the group Compassionate Friends, a support
group for bereaved parents. Those who are a few years beyond
the death of their children assist those who are newly bereaved.
You might choose to become involved with national organizations
devoted to chronic and terminal conditions such as hospice,
Alzheimer’s Association, American Cancer Society, or American
Heart Association.
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When grief becomes a problem
Sadness—even extreme forms—is
a normal part of grieving. But for about 20 percent of the
population, grief can become clinical depression. People with a history
of depression and those who have very little support, other
significant life stressors, or a tendency toward substance abuse are most likely
to become depressed after a death.
The good news is that depression
is a highly treatable condition. You don’t have to live
with the sinking feelings of depression in addition to your
grief. With medication and counseling, you can interrupt the
downward spiral and liberate your energy to work toward processing
your bereavement in a healthy way.
Signs of depression are |
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- feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness
- ongoing thoughts of suicide
- persistent inability to perform your day-to-day activities
- holding onto beliefs that are not true
- uncontrolled crying
- significant weight loss
- slowed physical responses.
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In addition to becoming depressed,
some people get stuck in their grief or experience complications
of bereavement. Although everyone grieves in their own way and on their own timetable,
these are signs that a bereaved person should consider getting help: |
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- inability to accept or believe that the person has died
- ongoing nightmares or flashbacks
- feelings that the deceased is always present and watching
- breaking off all social contact.
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If you notice any of these symptoms
or feel that you are "stuck," consider talking with
your doctor or a counselor. Help is available. You don’t
have to go through this alone.
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This website is sponsored by Lower Valley Hospice and Palliative Care, providing compassionate care and support
to the seriously ill and their families since 1978. |
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