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Family
relationships
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"My
family has never been very close. But somehow, when
we got the news about Mom, we all came together in a
different way. I think we all realized time was running
out and this was our last chance to connect with her.
Each of us found a way to rise to our ‘better selves.’
It took some courage to reach out, but it was worth
it. The benefits have continued even after her passing."
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Learning the importance of relationships
The
news that an illness has advanced to a point that a cure is
unlikely often is met with a level of distress and vulnerability
never before experienced. This situation brings out a variety
of responses. A genuine, caring, and comforting connection with
loved ones is usually what is most needed and longed for. One
of the great gifts of the dying process is that it highlights
the importance of relationships in human lives.
Despite the desire for authentic
connections at the end of life, it is not uncommon for dying
persons and their loved ones to confront barriers to open and
loving communication. Sometimes these barriers cannot be overcome.
There are, however, many stories of dying persons and their
loved ones finding a level of care, forgiveness, and understanding
that no one would have thought possible before the illness was
diagnosed.
In a recent issue of The New
Yorker, comedian Steve Martin talked about the experiences
he had when his father was dying. In one story, Martin and his
father sat silently together, when his father broke the silence,
saying, "I wish I could cry. I wish I could cry."
Forever thankful that he pushed forward, Martin asked his father,
"What do you want to cry about?" "For all the
love I received and couldn’t return," his father said.
Martin reflects, "It was as though an early misstep had
kept us forever out of stride. Now, two days from his death,
our pace was aligning and we were able to speak." (Return
to list)
Common barriers to open communication
Death is considered a taboo
subject in our society and is rarely talked about with openness
or honesty. When someone is diagnosed with an advanced illness,
often both the ill person and their loved ones are unprepared
and fall into a crisis state. They are faced with two difficult
challenges: the tremendous impact such a diagnosis has on
emotional and spiritual well-being and the need to make complicated
medical choices.
The fear and sorrow that follows
a terminal diagnosis can create an environment in which attempts
toward authentic communication may collide with long-entrenched
patterns of communication and deeply submerged feelings. For
example, it is not uncommon for family members to be stuck
in negative or unproductive patterns of communication they
have used for many years. Sometimes there is an unspoken agreement
to remain superficial or polite with one another to avoid
the deeper issues that lie below the surface. Perhaps this
has occurred because of a miscommunication years earlier.
To avoid being hurt or rejected again, there may be a hesitation
to be anything other than superficial. There also may be fear
that if a difficult topic is brought up, it will open the
door to all of the feelings that have been suppressed. When
a family member is dying, this maybe avoided for fear of creating
a worse situation.
One way interactions can become
stuck is when one or both parties refuse to forgive the other.
Entire relationships may be built around past transgressions
for which one person refuses to apologize, or an apology has
not been accepted. There may be disagreement about who really
is at fault. To let go of anger and to forgive can be very
challenging. In some cases, a good deal of a person’s
identity may be wrapped up in being the victim. Indeed, both
parties may feel victimized, one by being the recipient of
an unkind deed, the other by being told that what they did
was unforgivable.
Even in families that enjoy
generally good relationships, communication may be difficult
when a family member faces a serious illness or death. For
example, there may be confusion about "saying the right
thing." Or a family member may try to hide their feelings
of sadness and loss for fear of burdening their dying loved
one. (Return to list)
Getting through the barriers
If only we could go into a situation
when a loved one is dying with the hindsight that comes after
death. Then we would know, as Christine Longaker says in her
book Facing
Death and Finding Hope, that the pain that stays
with us is the love we held back.
Finding ways to overcome the
barriers to expressing love when someone is dying can be very
challenging. We may not want to risk being vulnerable or being
hurt again, especially if these will be our final memories
of a loved one. We may not be willing to release our old positions
and try something unfamiliar.
Christine Longaker suggests
that, while these are understandable feelings, they simply
are expressions of fear. This fear, if examined clearly and
honestly, can be overcome. These feelings do not need to be
taken so seriously. What truly is at risk is undoubtedly of
much less consequence that what is feared to be at risk. Ultimately,
these fears are simply an expression of worrying about one’s
own self. Changing that perspective to concern and love for
the other person will lessen fear, open the heart, and bring
courage.
But what if the other person
responds to an honest attempt at sincere communication with
anger or bitterness? What if they say things that are very
difficult to hear or things that are dishonest or untrue?
Of course, this may happen.
We have no control over how
someone else will react to what we say or do. However, we
can be responsible for our own expectations and feelings.
We can do our best to release our old attitudes and be as
open and loving as possible. We can choose to forgive and
free ourselves from old wounds. We can listen to the other
person with the intention of understanding their feelings.
Perhaps we can even find a bigger perspective, a sense of
humor about our own emotions and predicaments. We can let
go of our fear of how the other person will respond. Then,
even if the other person responds in the old expected ways,
space has been created in the relationship for more authentic
feelings to emerge. Patience will probably be necessary, but
never underestimate the power of unilateral change. If just
one person in a dynamic can find the courage to engage with
an open, loving heart, others may follow. (Return
to list)
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